In the June 2008 issue of Wired Magazine, reader and Apple Zealot Dan Luke of Portland, Oregon made one of the most preposterous statements since “The world is flat.” What he does not realize is that his flippant attitude is actually dangerous to his red delicious way of life.

He declared: “It’s simple. Apple doesn’t make garbage. Everyone else does. PCs don’t really work.”

Let’s imagine for a minute that everyone suddenly agreed with Dan Luke of Portland, Oregon.

Suddenly educators, strategists, software developers, analysts, investment bankers, mail carriers, scientists, prostitutes, cartoonists, morticians, proctologists, herpetologists, cytologists, electrologists, gemologists, gynecologists, archaeologists, NBA superstars, ditch diggers, peeping toms, elephant wranglers, social media consultants, poker players, brewmeisters, potato chip inspectors, hand models, wax figure makers, slot car racers, golf ball divers, knife thrower’s assistants, wig makers, ice cream tasters, stuntmen, majors, generals, actors, plastic surgeons, airport ambassadors, politicians, royalty and musicians all suddenly saw the error of their ways and decided to make the switch.

Remember. Dan said that everyone else makes garbage. This includes Dell, HP, Sun, Lenovo and EVERYONE.

OK Dan. OK believers of the propaganda of Chairman Jobs, you win. As of right now, the entire world is in agreement. PCs must go and they must go now -as in turned-off-and-chucked-into-a-landfill-they-are-garbage now.

• You just crippled the Internet.
• World trading markets have screeched to a halt.
• Global business as we know it is on hold or dead.
• See ya eBay!
• Ciao Yahoo!
• Sayonara Google!
• 再见 Baidu!
• Your email is toast.
• mac.com? Useless.
• Skype? Yeah right!
• Blogs. What blogs?
• etc.

Basically, you’re back to the library and the Dewey Decimal System. Better get some 2X4s and a hammer and nails because your virtual soapbox is gone. Oh you are going to need it, because surprisingly, an Apple-only world is not going to be the Utopia you are hoping for.

PCs are gone and now we have all of these things that we need to do on Mac.

Assuming you did not kill Mac’s foundation, BSD, in the process we have to rebuild the world’s infrastructure on Mac. This means that we are going to need to make a lot of changes so that Macs can accommodate Joe User.

That’s right. Mac is no longer just the machine for the teacher, the student or the 18-34 year old hipster, this sucker needs to do everything. The size of the company did not change, just the demand.

• Prepare to bloat the OS with unnecessary functionality with stuff that you do not care about.
• Prepare to make the cool stuff like iLife Suite a much lower priority in terms of development.
• Hello PUPs and Crapware! You are now the most popular platform.
• Hello Viruses!
• Howdy Adware!
• Prepare for Apple to become the PC.

That’s right Zealot, you are no longer the top priority user. Everyman is.

There is a place for PCs. It’s the land of mediocrity and average otherwise known as the blunt edge. Linux and Unix are the lands of stability and uptime. They are where the nerdcore hackers live and make the Internet work. Do you really want these people in your club? Sure the doors have always been open, but you do not REALLY want everyone using a Mac any more than Hillary wants to be Obama’s running mate.

PCs are the machine that try to be all things to all people. This is the whole reason that they don’t do any one thing particularly well. Is this what you want Apple to become? If so, keep up the smack talk. The more people you convert, the closer Apple comes to mediocrity while trying to satisfy the requirements of its new users. Apple has established itself as an elite machine. It is the machine for creatives and for academics. Apple is stylish. An Apple is more expensive than a comparable PC. Apple is your Mercedes, your BMW or at the very least, your Saab. If you want your Mac to continue to be what it is now; an elite, user-friendly, media-driven, seXXXy, powerhouse then drink this double shot of STFU. It’s for your own good!